Transforming

Transformation 

It's a frightening, burgeoning word impregnated with so much possibility it's hard to delineate where the fascinated terror ends and the sublime wonder begins.

Transformation takes so many forms, and yet it really comes down to the simple act of transmuting something that was into something that is . We are, every single moment of every day transforming ourselves. Each breath sends a finely tuned miracle of blood, nutrients, oxygen and impulse through our bodies. What we choose to do with that impulse,now there is the astounding promise and the endless potential!

Whenever I meet someone to discuss possible herbal aids in their journey towards better health, I always include the need for a mantra, a visual, verbal focus for their entire being. Why do I do that? Because thought creates action, and action creates transformation. If there is no focus for the process we simply reflect what we already are. Yet, if we take time to be conscious of ourselves; if we choose to direct our thoughts and our emotions; if we actively choose to take part in our own lives, then the simple, and the amazing begin to enter into our realities. The mantra then, serves as that focus point for our consciousness. It allows us to guide our thoughts actively from "what is" to "what will be". 

The question is, what do you want to be? 

My current focus is on my health, and on my consumption habits. Both are in reasonable shape, but there is decided room for improvement. I want to be more aware of why I eat what I do, and why I follow certain habits. 

I've realized that I've used coffee to dull my perceptions so I don't feel emotion as sharply as I otherwise would. I've realized that I often make my meal choices based solely on what the people around me want to eat, rather than looking first at what my body is telling me I need. I've realized that while I suggest that people drink a minimum of 8 glasses of water a day, I'm lucky if I drink one. 

So what am I doing to change those things? 

I'm writing out, and posting close to my mirror, the healthy changes I would like to make. It will read something along the lines of "I nourish my body by drinking abundant amounts of water" and "It is safe for me to feel my emotions. I can handle and process anything I feel in a healthy and safe way".  I'm also choosing to up my water intake, and drop my coffee consumption. With patience and time I will transform myself into a version of myself that is more hydrated and in tune with what I am feeling and thinking. 

So what do YOU want to transform into? Write it out, post it where you will see it, and spend some time each day putting positive energy and intention toward it. Above all, be patient with yourself! This process takes time, but I promise you, the positivity and the power are there for the experiencing!

Love, Light, and just the right amount of Spice to you all,

Tanis

Fresh Take

I haven't written here in over a year.

It's not surprising really when I look at what's happened in that year. I've moved four times. I've ended a five year relationship and stepped into a new relationship far quicker than I intended or anticipated.

I've finished my Master Herbalist's Certification, and I've started Consulting and planning for the next courses I need to take. I also picked up some Nanny work with a lovely toddler.

I've re-connected with both my parents, a huge thing for me.

I've lost the girl who I thought of as my daughter.

That girl, know on this blog as "Beautiful Girl" was my inspiration for writing much of the content of my previous posts. With her decided absense in my life I haven't been quite sure what to write or how to write it.

I knew I needed time to process, and to heal. I didn't want everything I wrote here to be about how the emotion of the last year, both good and bad, has been overwhelming me.

After much time to contemplate, and the shutting down of my Deviant Art page where I usually expressed myself more often, I've decided to take a different tack on this blog.  I'm simply going to write about things that are important to me. General, Personal and everything in between.

And so stay tuned... there are posts that have been bubbling in my head for some time, and they are about to be released!

Love, Light, and just the right amount of Spice to you all,

Tanis

Beautiful Girl's Questions

One day, not so long ago, The Younger Woman heard the Beautiful Girl talking. Beautiful Girl was saying things like “This is my favorite colour. Is that bad?” and “I really like this game, is that ok?”

The Younger Woman asked Beautiful Girl why she thought liking things could be bad. Beautiful girl told her that Mother didn’t like the same things that Beautiful girl did. Mother thought Beautiful Girl should be playing only the games that Mother liked. Mother wanted Beautiful Girl to wear only the colors that Mother picked.

Younger Woman thought about this for a while. She thought about all the times when her own Mother had made her feel unsure of her self and inadequate because Younger Woman liked something different. She remembered how hard it was to get beyond all the bad feelings Mother had created in her. Younger Woman didn’t want that to happen to the Beautiful Girl. Younger Woman wanted the Beautiful Girl to grow into a Strong Woman. Younger Woman wanted the Beautiful Girl to value her very own thoughts and ideas, to listen to what made her heart sing.

The next time Beautiful Girl said “Is that bad?” Younger Woman said “It’s not bad at all. In fact, it is very good! Having something of your very own that you like is important.” Then the Younger Woman started searching for ways to celebrate things that Beautiful Girl liked. Younger Woman saved pictures she found of Beautiful Girl’s favorite Games and Characters. She bought clothes that were almost all of Beautiful Girl’s favorite colour.

Slowly, Beautiful Girl stopped saying “Is that bad?” and started just saying “I like this!”. Younger Woman was very happy to see the change in Beautiful Girl. She decided that it was time to tell Beautiful Girl some more good things to think about.

An afternoon came where Beautiful Girl was ready to hear what Younger Woman needed to tell her. Younger Woman said “Beautiful Girl, you are an amazing person, and I am very proud of you! I’m so glad that you have things of your very own that you like, and that you are passionate about. It’s important to have those things, because they are part of what makes you who you are.”  

Beautiful Girl looked at Younger Woman with hope in her eyes. Younger Woman went on. She said “Beautiful Girl, you are the daughter of two people. You are the Daughter of Mother, and you are the Daughter of Daddy. You have parts of Mother and Daddy inside of you. But you are not Mother or Daddy. You are your own person and that is an amazing and wonderful thing. It’s a good thing to be your very own person.”

 Younger Woman had one more thing she needed Beautiful Girl to hear before she was done. She said “It’s my job as an adult to help you find your passions and favorite things Beautiful Girl. It’s my job to keep you safe as you explore, and to stand back and let you have your special things all to yourself. It’s not my job to tell you what to like, or what your favorite things should be. I would like it very much if you liked the same things as I do, but Beautiful Girl, I’m strong enough to not need you to.”

Beautiful Girl listened, and she thought. She went home to Mother and she tried to be her self. Mother hated Beautiful Girl thinking for herself. Mother punished Beautiful Girl for liking things all her own. She called the Beautiful Girl stupid for liking her own games, and accused the Beautiful Girl of trying to hurt her by wearing clothes that Mother had not picked out.

Beautiful Girl was strong as well as Beautiful, but her strength was still young. She tried to make things work with Mother. She tried to do everything Mother wanted, but it was never enough. Mother always wanted more. Mother always hurt deeper than it could heal.

Younger Woman watched this happening and her heart broke. She wasn’t allowed to say anything to Mother. She wasn’t allowed to take Beautiful Girl away from all the hurt and unfairness because a long time ago, the Man with Hammer had said Mother knew best. It wasn’t fair. Beautiful Girl was being hurt, and Younger Woman, and Beautiful Girl’s Daddy couldn’t make it better.

They did the best they could. When they saw Beautiful Girl they showered her with Love. They gave Beautiful Girl space to breath, and time to relax. They encouraged Beautiful Girl in her favorite things and played her games with her. And at the end of the two days that the Man with the Hammer had said they were allowed with Beautiful Girl, Younger Woman and Daddy had to take Beautiful Girl back.

It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t right. But it was what the Man with the Hammer said they had to do. So Daddy and Younger Woman did their very best to build a big soft cushion of love around Beautiful Girl. They tired to make that cushion so big, and so bouncy that Mother’s nasty words and bullying would bounce right off.

Two days isn’t a very long time though. Younger Woman and Daddy did their very best, but they were grown ups. They knew that the cushion wouldn’t last as long as they hoped it would. So Daddy and Younger Woman tried to teach Beautiful Girl how to stand up for herself. They tried to teach Beautiful Girl what was worth fighting over, and what wasn’t.

In the end, all Younger Woman and Daddy could do was cultivate strength in Beautiful Girl, Love her, and hope that it would be enough.

The Art of Listening

This weekend I had an amazing moment with my Step-daughter. She's having some incredibly difficult circumstances at her Mother's house and we were chatting about it. In the middle of one of my responses she get's up, declares that she's getting changed and says, " Don't stop talking, I'm listening!!".

I couldn't believe it! She just turned thirteen, and she want's to listen to what I say... what a privelege!

Once I got over my sheer joy and happy wonder, I began reflecting on how I'd gotten to this point with her. Four years ago, when I became a part of the family I was just some weird girl who didn't have an "Off" button... and now she want's to hear what I have to say.  I think it's because instead of stepping in and trying to be "Mom", or conversely trying to be her "Best Friend", I've made it my priority to put her needs first.

Most parents try and do that, but the role of "Daddy's Girlfriend" can have some pretty ambiguous definitions. It's not to say that I don't ever act the part of "Mom". I prompt her to brush her hair, change her clothes, wear socks in her shoes...all mom things to do. But I also ask her how her week has gone at school, I listen for conversation openers and make a point of actively pursuing what she wants to talk about.

It's an art, listening to your children. I've observed so many parents who tune their children's voices out, who rarely respond to what the child is actually saying. Each time my Step-daughter is here I make a conscious choice to listen to what she's saying. Because of that, now she's talking with me, sharing with me on a level that astounds me. It's a privelege to be the one she turns to for advice. It's an honor to be the one she talks to when she's upset.

I think the biggest lesson I've learned so far, four years in to being a weekend Step-mom is this: "Listen to your children" and "Treat your children with dignity". If you wouldn't enjoy being treated the way you treat your children, why are you treating your children that way?

Love and Light!

The Diary of a Younger Woman...

Not so long ago, in a house just down the street lived a family, a Mother, a Father and a beautiful little girl.

The Father loved his daughter with all his heart. He lived for her smile, and saw sunbeams when she laughed. The Father doted on his little girl and protected her from all the monsters under the bed, the spiders in the closet and the shadows in the corners.

The Father loved his wife to. He did his best to provide for her, to keep her safe from the outside world and shelter her in his arms. But one day, the Mother decided that her fairytale didn’t include the Father. She decided that she wanted her life back. She resented the intrusion the Little Girl had made in her life. So the Mother left.

The Father cried, his heart was broken, the Little Girl cried, she didn’t know where her Mother was. Together, they held each other and slowly, ever so slowly they built a world of sunshine together again. Slowly the Little Girl started laughing sunbeams and the Father started smiling again. The Mother had been gone a long time now, and life was becoming normal again.

After the sunshine started coming back into the Little Girl’s smile, after the Father started mending his heart the Mother decided she didn’t want the Father to be happy. She decided that other people would like her more if she had a pretty Little Girl who laughed like sunshine. So the Mother decided to take the Little Girl away from the Father.

She said terrible things about the Father. She painted nightmares with her words, and sometimes she painted nightmares on her body and blamed them on the Father. She told the beautiful Little Girl that her Father was a monster. She told the beautiful Little Girl that Father didn’t love her, that he didn’t want her. Mother lied to the Little Girl.

The Little Girl cried and cried. She cried herself to sleep, she cried during the day. Most of all she cried when she had to leave her Father. The Little Girl loved her Father more than anything in the world. She would be silly just to make him laugh. She felt all warm and safe when he laughed. She would play tricks on him to make him smile. It was like a hug every time he smiled. The Little Girl knew her Mother was lying.

The Father didn’t like what the Mother was doing, he wanted his beautiful Little Girl to be happy all the time, not crying. The Mother wouldn’t give her back, so the Mother and the Father went in front of a man in a black robe on a high seat. He had a wooden hammer in his hand and sometimes he hit it on his desk with a bang.

It took years and years. It took lots of standing in front of the man with the black robe and the wooden hammer. Eventually though the Father got to see the Little Girl every second weekend and some of each holiday. The Little Girl wasn’t happy; she wanted to see her Father more. The Father wasn’t happy; he wanted to see the Little Girl all the time. The Mother was happy, she got the Little Girl all the time, and Father had to pay her money every month.

Years passed. The Father’s heart broke again every time he had to take the beautiful Little Girl back to her Mother’s. The Little Girl cried and her heart broke too. It wasn’t fair you see, what the Mother was doing, but the man in the black robe had said this was the best he would do for Father.

One day, a girl with hair the color of a fall forest met the beautiful Little Girl. She met the Father with the breaking heart. The girl with hair the color of fall saw the sadness in both of them and her heart broke too. She was younger than Father, she was younger than the Mother (though not by that much). She was older than the beautiful Little Girl (though not by so much she couldn’t relate).

The Younger Woman decided that if she could help the Father, and help the Little Girl to be happy again she would. She decided to love the two of them with all her heart. The Younger Woman poured her love into all of the cracks and seams in Father’s heart and helped it heal. She wrapped her love around the beautiful Little Girl like a warm blanket and helped her stop crying all the time. The Younger Woman worked hard to help Father have a little extra money after giving Mother the money every month. She and Father saved up for special things for the beautiful Little Girl together.

The beautiful Little Girl, The Father and the Younger Woman became a family of sorts. The loved each other dearly. They learned how to make each other smile sunbeams.

Mother didn’t like the Younger Woman. She didn’t like that the Father was happy again. She didn’t like that the Little Girl was imitating the Younger Woman’s way of talking and dressing. Mother decided to hate the Younger Woman. Mother complained to all her friends about the Younger Woman. She said the Younger Woman was a bad person. She said the Younger Woman was stealing her money from Father for things like diamond rings and new shoes.

The Younger Woman wanted to say a lot of nasty things to the Mother. She wanted very badly to make the Mother hurt as badly as the Father and the Little Girl had been hurting all this very long time. The Younger Woman couldn’t though. It would only hurt Father and Little Girl more if she did that. So the Younger Woman made sure the Little Girl was loved more than any other Little Girl could be. She baked cookies with her, and went squelching in mud with her. The Younger Woman played games with the Little Girl, and brushed her hair. She gave the Little Girl someone to talk to. More importantly, the Younger Woman gave the Little Girl someone who would listen.

The Younger Woman decided that there had to be more Younger Women out there. She decided that it was important to share her story.

The above is very much the truth, though it is a blending of my childhood, and the childhood of my Beautiful Step-daughter. I’ve wanted for years to share the story of women in my position, women who have become part of a broken family and helped make it a little more whole.