This weekend I had an amazing moment with my Step-daughter. She's having some incredibly difficult circumstances at her Mother's house and we were chatting about it. In the middle of one of my responses she get's up, declares that she's getting changed and says, " Don't stop talking, I'm listening!!".
I couldn't believe it! She just turned thirteen, and she want's to listen to what I say... what a privelege!
Once I got over my sheer joy and happy wonder, I began reflecting on how I'd gotten to this point with her. Four years ago, when I became a part of the family I was just some weird girl who didn't have an "Off" button... and now she want's to hear what I have to say. I think it's because instead of stepping in and trying to be "Mom", or conversely trying to be her "Best Friend", I've made it my priority to put her needs first.
Most parents try and do that, but the role of "Daddy's Girlfriend" can have some pretty ambiguous definitions. It's not to say that I don't ever act the part of "Mom". I prompt her to brush her hair, change her clothes, wear socks in her shoes...all mom things to do. But I also ask her how her week has gone at school, I listen for conversation openers and make a point of actively pursuing what she wants to talk about.
It's an art, listening to your children. I've observed so many parents who tune their children's voices out, who rarely respond to what the child is actually saying. Each time my Step-daughter is here I make a conscious choice to listen to what she's saying. Because of that, now she's talking with me, sharing with me on a level that astounds me. It's a privelege to be the one she turns to for advice. It's an honor to be the one she talks to when she's upset.
I think the biggest lesson I've learned so far, four years in to being a weekend Step-mom is this: "Listen to your children" and "Treat your children with dignity". If you wouldn't enjoy being treated the way you treat your children, why are you treating your children that way?
Love and Light!
I've always maintained that my daughter taught me how to raise her. I paid attention to her every moment i could even when she was an infant. Her body language, her facial expressions her reactions all spoke volumes to me long before she ever could utter a single word.
ReplyDeleteListening to your child is the most important thing you can do when you are raising them.
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ReplyDeleteAmazing blog, very powerful and emotional. Being able to listen is a great skill. From what I can tell you are a great Mother figure. Keep it up.
ReplyDeleteMy birth sister is in a civil-partnership marriage, and she and her wife have adopted a teenage girl (after fostering her for ages). They were saying something very similar to your blog not to long ago.