The Art of Listening

This weekend I had an amazing moment with my Step-daughter. She's having some incredibly difficult circumstances at her Mother's house and we were chatting about it. In the middle of one of my responses she get's up, declares that she's getting changed and says, " Don't stop talking, I'm listening!!".

I couldn't believe it! She just turned thirteen, and she want's to listen to what I say... what a privelege!

Once I got over my sheer joy and happy wonder, I began reflecting on how I'd gotten to this point with her. Four years ago, when I became a part of the family I was just some weird girl who didn't have an "Off" button... and now she want's to hear what I have to say.  I think it's because instead of stepping in and trying to be "Mom", or conversely trying to be her "Best Friend", I've made it my priority to put her needs first.

Most parents try and do that, but the role of "Daddy's Girlfriend" can have some pretty ambiguous definitions. It's not to say that I don't ever act the part of "Mom". I prompt her to brush her hair, change her clothes, wear socks in her shoes...all mom things to do. But I also ask her how her week has gone at school, I listen for conversation openers and make a point of actively pursuing what she wants to talk about.

It's an art, listening to your children. I've observed so many parents who tune their children's voices out, who rarely respond to what the child is actually saying. Each time my Step-daughter is here I make a conscious choice to listen to what she's saying. Because of that, now she's talking with me, sharing with me on a level that astounds me. It's a privelege to be the one she turns to for advice. It's an honor to be the one she talks to when she's upset.

I think the biggest lesson I've learned so far, four years in to being a weekend Step-mom is this: "Listen to your children" and "Treat your children with dignity". If you wouldn't enjoy being treated the way you treat your children, why are you treating your children that way?

Love and Light!

The Diary of a Younger Woman...

Not so long ago, in a house just down the street lived a family, a Mother, a Father and a beautiful little girl.

The Father loved his daughter with all his heart. He lived for her smile, and saw sunbeams when she laughed. The Father doted on his little girl and protected her from all the monsters under the bed, the spiders in the closet and the shadows in the corners.

The Father loved his wife to. He did his best to provide for her, to keep her safe from the outside world and shelter her in his arms. But one day, the Mother decided that her fairytale didn’t include the Father. She decided that she wanted her life back. She resented the intrusion the Little Girl had made in her life. So the Mother left.

The Father cried, his heart was broken, the Little Girl cried, she didn’t know where her Mother was. Together, they held each other and slowly, ever so slowly they built a world of sunshine together again. Slowly the Little Girl started laughing sunbeams and the Father started smiling again. The Mother had been gone a long time now, and life was becoming normal again.

After the sunshine started coming back into the Little Girl’s smile, after the Father started mending his heart the Mother decided she didn’t want the Father to be happy. She decided that other people would like her more if she had a pretty Little Girl who laughed like sunshine. So the Mother decided to take the Little Girl away from the Father.

She said terrible things about the Father. She painted nightmares with her words, and sometimes she painted nightmares on her body and blamed them on the Father. She told the beautiful Little Girl that her Father was a monster. She told the beautiful Little Girl that Father didn’t love her, that he didn’t want her. Mother lied to the Little Girl.

The Little Girl cried and cried. She cried herself to sleep, she cried during the day. Most of all she cried when she had to leave her Father. The Little Girl loved her Father more than anything in the world. She would be silly just to make him laugh. She felt all warm and safe when he laughed. She would play tricks on him to make him smile. It was like a hug every time he smiled. The Little Girl knew her Mother was lying.

The Father didn’t like what the Mother was doing, he wanted his beautiful Little Girl to be happy all the time, not crying. The Mother wouldn’t give her back, so the Mother and the Father went in front of a man in a black robe on a high seat. He had a wooden hammer in his hand and sometimes he hit it on his desk with a bang.

It took years and years. It took lots of standing in front of the man with the black robe and the wooden hammer. Eventually though the Father got to see the Little Girl every second weekend and some of each holiday. The Little Girl wasn’t happy; she wanted to see her Father more. The Father wasn’t happy; he wanted to see the Little Girl all the time. The Mother was happy, she got the Little Girl all the time, and Father had to pay her money every month.

Years passed. The Father’s heart broke again every time he had to take the beautiful Little Girl back to her Mother’s. The Little Girl cried and her heart broke too. It wasn’t fair you see, what the Mother was doing, but the man in the black robe had said this was the best he would do for Father.

One day, a girl with hair the color of a fall forest met the beautiful Little Girl. She met the Father with the breaking heart. The girl with hair the color of fall saw the sadness in both of them and her heart broke too. She was younger than Father, she was younger than the Mother (though not by that much). She was older than the beautiful Little Girl (though not by so much she couldn’t relate).

The Younger Woman decided that if she could help the Father, and help the Little Girl to be happy again she would. She decided to love the two of them with all her heart. The Younger Woman poured her love into all of the cracks and seams in Father’s heart and helped it heal. She wrapped her love around the beautiful Little Girl like a warm blanket and helped her stop crying all the time. The Younger Woman worked hard to help Father have a little extra money after giving Mother the money every month. She and Father saved up for special things for the beautiful Little Girl together.

The beautiful Little Girl, The Father and the Younger Woman became a family of sorts. The loved each other dearly. They learned how to make each other smile sunbeams.

Mother didn’t like the Younger Woman. She didn’t like that the Father was happy again. She didn’t like that the Little Girl was imitating the Younger Woman’s way of talking and dressing. Mother decided to hate the Younger Woman. Mother complained to all her friends about the Younger Woman. She said the Younger Woman was a bad person. She said the Younger Woman was stealing her money from Father for things like diamond rings and new shoes.

The Younger Woman wanted to say a lot of nasty things to the Mother. She wanted very badly to make the Mother hurt as badly as the Father and the Little Girl had been hurting all this very long time. The Younger Woman couldn’t though. It would only hurt Father and Little Girl more if she did that. So the Younger Woman made sure the Little Girl was loved more than any other Little Girl could be. She baked cookies with her, and went squelching in mud with her. The Younger Woman played games with the Little Girl, and brushed her hair. She gave the Little Girl someone to talk to. More importantly, the Younger Woman gave the Little Girl someone who would listen.

The Younger Woman decided that there had to be more Younger Women out there. She decided that it was important to share her story.

The above is very much the truth, though it is a blending of my childhood, and the childhood of my Beautiful Step-daughter. I’ve wanted for years to share the story of women in my position, women who have become part of a broken family and helped make it a little more whole.